JESUS UNDERSTANDS

INTRODUCTION:  Looking at my congregation I see the faces of people who have experienced much of the bitter and the sweet of life and have so far survived.  Yesterday we said our seemingly final goodbyes to our sister, Rosie Franklin, but that which we experienced yesterday was not final.  It is true that Rosie is finally home, but it is also true that soon we shall all join her, some of us sooner than others.

Meanwhile we feel the pain of loss of this unassuming yet dynamic sister who was baptized as a girl in our church and is now gone home to her eternal home in Heaven with her dear Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.  This pain of loss will lose its sharpness as days progress into months and months into years.  This is called bereavement or mourning. Given time and a supportive environment most people go through the bereavement period without any lasting trauma in their lives and do not require any special counseling.

Even though normal bereavement is a self-healing process, significant depression still follows the loss through death of someone close.  For a significant percentage of our population a certain degree of depression still follows the loss through death of someone close, especially in the case of a spouse, a parent, or a very close friend.

Death is the most significant loss any person can experience. But because people accept the inevitability of death more easily than they do other losses, the process of grieving in bereavement goes on quite normally. However, there are some who plunge into clinical depression and need help because they become a slave to grief.  Such was the case of a friend of mine who lost her husband to a bone cancer that emaciated his body and took his life within a month. Her grief was gut wrenching.  She would not eat and she became dehydrated and as skinny as a rail.  She sobbed incessantly.  Gradually emerging from the depths of her depression and self-imposed isolation, she began to accept help.  God’s people were there for her and helped her to get on her feet, first spiritually by refocusing on Jesus and then psychologically.  This is reactive depression and it is the same as other depressions.  The differences are in degree being only to the meaning of the loss and the ease or difficulty with which the sufferer grieves the loss.  Her love and devotion for her husband was intense as was her grief.  In all cases of mourning counseling can be helpful.

All of us deal with bereavement according to the inscape of our individual personality.  In the case of my friend; she left her late husband’s guitar leaning against his side of the bed, the top of his dresser was still covered with his things which she “could not remove” and his cologne bottle was still on the bathroom sink, covered with dust. I believe his clothes were still hanging in the closet.

During my personal bereavement I gathered my wife’s clothes and gave them to friends and family.  The jewelry went to my grand daughter. My son got her wedding band.  I kept busy hanging shutters on the house and fixing things until I got ready let go and grieve, then I sat down and sobbed.  I was still trying to get a handle on my posttraumatic stress from my little Vietnam adventure when I was bereaved of my wife.  It is very true that time heals all wounds, if you let it happen. My brother Tom and my friend Paul Mentzer both played a part in my healing.   Paul subsequently lost his wife to cancer. Losing Sandi was his third wife to die pre-maturely.

I. NORMAL VERSUS ABNORMAL GRIEF

When we try to help someone who is grieving we should be able to distinguish between a grief reaction that is in all respects normal, and one that is abnormal. A normal reaction, though intense, is at least headed in the direction of adjustment to the loss. The process of grieving is following a course that will lead to the ultimate lifting of depression.

The process of grieving is the process letting go of the loved one, but we understand its stages better than we do its process.  It can be helpful to    understand the difference between mourning and grief.  Both are essential to resolving the experience of loss.  Mourning is the process of withdrawing emotional attachment.

Grief is the emotion experienced in mourning.  It is a longing for something that is lost, especially the relationship.

Grieving involves allowing yourself to have the feelings of grief. One cannot complete the mourning process without allowing oneself to feel the emotions of grief.

A.   Abnormal Grief is the inability to grieve immediately after the loss.  This is evidenced by the absence of weeping or an outward appearance that is too cheerful.  At the other extreme is a prolonged hysterical grieving manifested by crying, shouting and swooning.  (In some cultures this is expected and is therefore normal). 

Over activity, without a sense of loss, is an early sign of distorted grieving.

Excessive energy is a way of escaping the pain of loss. The sufferer may start all sorts of new projects, may refuse to go to bed at a normal time and generally become hyperactive.

Furious hostility against specific persons, for example the doctor and hospital, may assume paranoid proportions. The sufferer dwells on the rage to the exclusions of the other concerns of normal grief.

Over suppression of hostility can also be abnormal.  This shows itself in emotion and conduct as a “frozen” mask like appearance or formal, stilted robot like movements. Lack of any emotional expressiveness may be a sign of abnormal grief.

Self-destructive behaviors, such as giving away belongings making foolish business deals, or engaging in other self-punitive actions, especially without guilt feelings, are early indications of abnormal grieving response.  If social isolation continues unaltered or becomes progressively worse after three or four months, the prognosis is not good.  If the depression continues to get worse after three or four months, an abnormal grief reaction must be suspected.

Portraying the dead person as a total saint with no short-

comings, being too positive about someone who clearly had imperfections or who may have done harm to the survivor;

Deterioration of health, weight loss, and other psychosomatic symptoms that persist.

B.   Normal Grieving creates a “Slowing down” and a reduction of activity and lessening of interest in other activities. 

1.     Somatic symptoms (body language)are prominent in the early stages of grieving:

·        sighing respiration

·        exhaustion

·        stomach disturbances

·        restlessness

·        yawning

·        choking.

2. Psychological symptoms follow quickly; feelings of guilt with thoughts like “What more could I have done?” or concerns over unresolved emotional conflicts.

3.              Mentally projected image/voice/touch.  A deep sense of loss over the absence of the loved one is prominent. There  may be preoccupation with the image of the deceased person; hearing his or her voice, seeing a glimpse of the face in the distance. This may even seem bizarre to the griever.  This is a sure sign that normal grieving is underway.

·        The sense of the dead person’s presence can be so vivid, especially at night that the griever hears, sees, or feels touched by the late person.  At the same time there is a simultaneous feeling that all other persons are emotionally distant.

4. Hostile reactions and irritability are normal. There is also disruption of normal patterns of conduct and relationships.

·        There is a desire to be alone, indecisiveness, erratic memory.

·        It is even normal for the griever to feel that a part of the self has been destroyed or mutilated.

How Long Does Normal Grief Last?  Contrary to what most people expect, one never completely gives up ties to a deeply loved person who dies. There is always a residual bond that can trigger episodes of grief long afterwards, especially on special occasions such as birthdays and holidays.

·        The more practical question, then is how long does it take for the acute symptoms following bereavement to subside? A common estimate says it takes up to three months for the more severe aspects of the reaction to pass. But many other factors can combine to either lengthen or shorten this period:

·        The number of remaining relationships (the more there are, the easier to adjust).

·        The strength of these relationships (the stronger, the better

·        The intensity and length of association with the deceased person (the more intense, the longer it will take).

·        The number and severity of unresolved conflicts

·        A lot of dependence will lengthen the grieving period.

·        sudden or traumatic deaths are harder to accept

·        severe neurotic tendencies will prolong grieving

        You can see that grievers are recovering when the depression begins to lift and they appear to be functioning normally again.  They also are able to experience pleasure—as they once could.

II. THE STAGES OF GRIEVING

4.     Denial. This first reaction occurs before grieving has really begun.  The mourner denies that the death has actually occurred and expects the deceased to suddenly reappear.

5.     Anger. Searching and protest. Here the survivor is preoccupied with the lost person and quietly “searches” for him or her.  Prolonged conversations with the dead person and wearing items of clothing identified with the dead person may be typical at this stage.  Direct expressions of hostility against the deceased may also occur.

6.     Depression and Despair. This is the main emotion of the readjustment period, as the realization of the loss sets in.

7.     Disorganization follows despair, Turmoil, emptiness, pointlessness of life, even thoughts of suicide may be present.

8.     Acceptance and Reorganization finally occurs in which normal functioning is resumed.  Some periodic regressions to earlier stages of grieving may occur from time to time but the mourner quickly recovers from these repeated grieving episodes.

III. DEALING WITH THE SHOCK OF SUDDEN DEATH

A.   The Value of Tears: Crying helps the body to neutralize conflict and maintain its chemical balance. Crying also serves as a psychological release for pent up emotions

·        problem of embarrassment

B.   Avoid Clichés:

·        “It’s Gods will that this has happened”

·        “Think about what you’ve still got left.”

·       “ After all, you’ve still got three other children”

·        “Cheer up, life must go on.”

·        Encourage self-help groups

·        Remember Job’s friends

C.   Facilitating the Grieving Process

a.     Focus on the reality of the loss.

b.     Increase the depression, but beware if suicidal tendencies exist. (medication should be suggested)

c.     Develop perspective on the loss. “I think you should pull back and put your loss in perspective of your faith, or in perspective of other life circumstances.”  If the griever says, “I’m not ready yet,” it probably means that he or she is not.

d.     Focus on eternal things “there shall be a resurrection of the dead, both of the just and the unjust” (Acts 24:15)

·        “with the Lord”

e.     It is not for us to judge the eternal destiny of any deceased person.

CONCLUSION:

Focus on the empathy of Christ.  He knows grief because He has experienced human grief personally. (John 11:35) “Jesus wept” before He raised Lazarus.

Jesus offers Himself, filled with the Spirit of God, as the sole Source of Comfort to those who are bereaved

·        GOD FORTOLD THAT CHRIST WAS “ANOINTED…AND 

·        SENT… TO BIND UP THE BROKEN-HEARTED,

·        TO PROCLAIM LIBERTY TO THE CAPTIVES…

·        TO COMFORT ALL THAT MOURN…

·        TO GIVE THEM BEAUTY FOR ASHES,

·        THE OIL OF JOY FOR MOURNING,

·        THE GARMENT OF PRAISE FOR THE SPIRIT OF HEAVINESS”  (Isa. 61:1-3)

 Scripture: John 11:25, 26